I am a brainwashed, bleeding-heart liberal. Everything I say is naïve at best and corrosive at worst. I have made detrimental deductions about the state of affairs on this blue-green orb based on lies the liberal media and my college professors told me.

How they hate America. How they’d love to let the terrorists win.

I am anti-family and pro-partial-birth-abortion. I shouldn’t have listened to Michael Moore and Al Gore. I condone all the actions of the Clintons and thought that Kerry was an ideal presidential candidate. I want to stifle all semblance of international trade.

I am anti-business. I’d like to give everyone a free-ride – no matter how undeserving. I might even be a sophomoric socialist – out to wreak havoc on the economy.

My nonsensical, idealistic, and impractical worldview is a direct assault on your every tradition and value. Fear me. Label me. Discard my position – it is unfounded. I have done little to no research on nearly every subject that interests me, preferring instead to pledge unquestioning obedience to the Democratic party line. I hate firearms, hunting, and fishing. I enjoy big government, bureaucracy, and overregulation. I support Islamofascism.

If only I could find a way to make my homeland more vulnerable to foreign attack. If only I could aide and abet the enemy by tying the hands of our generals in Iraq. If only I could destroy all spirituality in the name of secularism.

I am a vegetarian because I feel that cows are too cute and cuddly to be used as hamburger.

I am the product of a godless school system masquerading deceptions – like the laughable notion that mankind descended from monkeys – as science. I envy your wealth and power and wish to prevent you from achieving financial success. Tax and spend, tax and spend – my misguided mantra, always on the tip of my tongue. I am a vegetarian because I feel that cows are too cute and cuddly to be used as hamburger. A perpetually paranoid conspiracy theorist afraid to eat a little fecal matter with my meat.

Why am I so unappreciative of what I have? I am such a whiner. My parents didn’t discipline me enough as a child, so I rebelled and bought a Che Guevara tee-shirt from Hot Topic – unable to see the irony that this product was provided to me by the free market.

I just don’t understand the “real world.” Perhaps one day I’ll face the facts, grow up, get a respectable job, and join the ranks of hardworking and complacent nine-to-fivers. I’ll stop believing in a tree-filled-utopia where peace can be achieved without the use of superior firepower. I’ll realize that Adam Smith would totally kick Karl Marx’s ass in a fight, and that Darwin was full of shit. I’ll learn that Corporate America and the President know best.

Until then, by all means, write off anything I say. Ignore me. Drown me out. Skirt my questions. Until then, I’m just another lost cause.

“Whether they are defending the Soviet Union or bleating for Saddam Hussein, liberals are always against America. They are either traitors or idiots, and on the matter of America’s self-preservation, the difference is irrelevant.” – the ingenious and patriotic Ann Coulter